I open my mouth to speak but I have to check my language settings - is it on default? And I look at the people am talking to - white, brown, blue-eyed, blond, dyed? All these my over-tasked brain has to process in nanoseconds and most of the time, my thoughts are delivered in garbled sentences. Gaah!

I have this stubborn need to speak in my hometown’s dialect like how you would try to hold on to a fading lover’s face. Keep it etched, the rise and fall of the vowels, the stress, the nuance… and the Manilenios laugh at me for my accent.

After 6 months of stretching my tongue to its limit and doing mental acrobatics with verbs, nouns, plural and singular forms, my coworkers tell me: your Tagalog is getting better. I can only smile and sigh in relief.

In most instances, my easily excitable self blurts out the first formed words that come to mind and the effect, the people surrounding me are learning terms and expressions from Visayan, Tausug dialects and the pidgin Spanish that my old folks used to pepper their exchanges with.

Last night, at bedtime, I was telling the kids a story, a mash-up of HC Andersen’s fairy tales and Arabian nights when Una said: Mama, magtagalog ka na kasi andito ka na sa Manila.

It made me so cross that I retorted: I do not have to speak Tagalog because my English is good. And my little daughter who wants to mimic everything that we adults do answered: Gusto pud ko mag-English, Mama.

Enough of this crazy language game.

It does not really matter where… your heartstrings are tugged and pulled not by the beauty of the place but by the people. It is not really Cebu that I miss.

Weddings can be like funerals, where people cry… but not from heartaches but rather from sheer joy.

Sometimes, life can be full of promise… even when viewed through tired, sleepless pair of eyes.

Do you know how it is… when you are wanting of grace and you just cannot bring yourself to be cheerful about this and that. And how on some mornings, your ungracious selfish self is just uncontrollable and you cannot bring yourself to greet your unwanted visitors. And you rationalize that it is not your fault - people should consider other’s privacy and you know, should learn not to impose themselves on others. And that they should have manners and all.

But then after a few hours, you start thinking that you have been rotten and you shouldn’t have acted that way. And how your husband’s lecture is still nagging at you.

I have had some really tough times these days and I am feeling the need to act out my impulses. I will strive to be good and it’s a steep and hard climb so please bear with me if I show my claws and fangs once in a while. Will try hard NOT to bite.

Una wailed when she learned that ‘today’ is Christmas. We just woke up on the morning of the 25th and she asked me if Christmas is near.

“Wala pa gali ta decorations. Asa na ang Christmas tree?” She protested and stomped her feet and cried like she was robbed of her inheritance.

On some days, my fuse is shorter, on other days, I find her outbursts funny, even hilarious. And on this instance, I ran short of excuses. Should I tell her that I am too lazy to wade through the shops to pick tinsels and blinking lights or should I tell her about the longish lines at each counter on every SM mall. I tried distracting her about more gifts to open downstairs.

“Unsa na, mama? Nice kaayo,” but her voice is laced with envy growing stronger every second. I should have sensed the imminent meltdown but I didn’t and proceeded to parade my new necklace. The episode ended with Jude scolding Una and giving a long lecture on some things that are too abstract for her mental age.

The other day, I brought her to the dentist who lives next door. She sat on the dentist’s chair like she’s been doing it for so long and opened her mouth wide. The kind dentist laughed and was impressed by her sunny and cooperative disposition.

I found out that she has two cavities and needs filling. I would have taken this as a dent on my career as a mother but I do not. If the dentist hinted about flossing I would have dropped dead… brushing once is too much effort already. You know how I love being lazy.

After Una’s two holes were filled, I asked Santino to get on the chair next. His reply: “AYAW!” And ran out of the door for his dear life.

Wishing the whole Internet an interesting 2008.

Ain’t I lucky? Here’s what I got for a present:

Luscious red strawberries dredged with salt.

Thanks to my co-worker from Baguio.