At 4 this afternoon, I could think of nothing but the comfort of a warm soft bed while the words of PWC organizers drone on and on in my head. I was part queasy, sleepy, achy and tired all over.

I hid under the covers and forgot about the world. I woke up at 8 to see Regina getting ready for her dinner date. What about my dinner? Shucks! Yeah, the Japanese restaurant would probably serve something decent, cooked and semi-edible. I called the hotel restaurant and they told me they don’t have a menu and no specials either. What? Oh wait, the waiter with a fake French accent (in a Japanese restaurant!) told me that the front desk will send the menu over. I asked for the ebi tempura and rice. A few minutes later, a real Jap was bringing the tray in and ordered me to set the empty dishes outside of the door. Wow! Some kind of service.

I opened my tempura from it’s gold gilded dish and it was a major disappointment. How could they think of putting tempura over hot rice and closing the lid of the container.

Yeah, I couldn’t help but cry and consoled myself with the miso soup that remind me so much of my own silly tears.

So this is Hollywood and this is the heat that they have been complaining about. The whole downtown LA seems like ghost town to me. So few people and it makes the loneliness more intense.

I wish the kids are with me and we can marvel at the new sights together. I am sure Jude would act like the seasoned tourist guide that he is not.

For some reason, I don’t do the compulsive monetary conversion that is rumored to be the major affliction of the Pinoys that come to Tate. Besides, it is not my money and I have to provide receipt for every expenditure. Hehehe! What a rationalization.

My body clock knows it’s 12 midnight back home and that it is supposed to be hitting the sack… it is almost 9 here and I have to be in some office soon… if only our pick-up will show up.

When the pretty lady with a thick American accent, behind the glass pane said “Your visa is approved,” I was like, “What? Is it that easy?” Of course, I didn’t blurt it out as she might it take it back and you know, my boss would kill me.

After two days, I got my passport back with the sticker that looks like money and I was wondering if I can cash it. Then it dawn on me that I will be spending 80 days in a desert, away from my family and from people that speak a language that I can comprehend 99% of the time. Add the uncertainty of my status: Am I pregnant or not?

My kind boss told me that he has signed the lease to the 4 BR apartment that I and a colleague will be staying at and that he will be buying beds later that day. He added that he’s gotten us an SUV to go around and that we can use his pool, which is just a couple of miles from where we will be staying. I told him, “I am speechless”… Maybe he thought I was awed. I am thankful for his kindness but the truth is, I don’t know how to convert miles to a more comfortable unit of measure — blocks, meter, kilometer, footsteps? And I heard that it is very hot in Arizona. Is that hell-like hot? Not that I have been to actual hell.

My co-worker asked me if I got friends in Arizona. Well, to begin with, I haven’t been out of the country at all and I am no good at keeping in touch with distant relatives and acquaintances. She answered “Nakakaiyak ang lungkot dun,” translation: the loneliness will make you cry or something like that. And she said that I should plan ahead what I would do with myself during the weekends because we have weekends off. Thanks god for that! And quipped that she’s got plans herself but that we can go malling together if her weekend schedule clears. Sigh!

So what will I do during the weekends? I don’t drive and they said it’s hard to get public transportation in Phoenix. I am thinking of getting a bike, well, I am sure my trusty sneakers won’t fail me if I decide to just walk.

Sure, Voua, order M20… I will bring it to the PH in November. I hope the desert won’t eat me.

Bennet was incredulous when he learned that I do not know who Coldplay is. I shrugged my shoulders and wished he could see me roll my eyes heavenward. He went on to tell me (over the phone) that I should tune in to this radio station to stay on top of the music world… like I care. Duh!

Today at work, someone plugged in an MP3 player to my laptop… using my USB charger. I put on the ear buds, fiddled the buttons and got treated to some songs that seem vaguely familiar. It says in the screen, Matchbox20. Aah… I had it on full volume as is usually my way and I was drifting off to some far gone world.

I just realized that I have gone on without music for so long. Don’t ask why. Am not really the kind that gets updates and watch out for new releases and albums. You can say that I am an accidental music lover. I would be listening to some track and get myself hooked… irregardless of the genre, tone and language.

Loud music clears my head. It is one thing that can mask out all other stimuli. It’s crazy, I know.

Last song syndrome:
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me from all
I am up against in this world

I am stuck in a warzone. And I seriously don’t know what got me here.

I remembered my old Korean boss said that my greatest strength is my inability to think. His English was poor. When I asked him to elaborate, he answered ‘you do not think twice about setting out to achieve a goal. You move heaven and earth and get things done although, it means you leave mess and wreckage after yourself.’ I remembered laughing out loud to his praise. Yes, he knows me well. And yes, I do believe that most of the times, the end will justify the means.

And it is exactly the same thing that I want to apply to my current work. I want to show them how a lot of great things get done in great fury and haste. So when I got an email from one of the bosses saying DO NOT LET ANYTHING STAND IN YOUR WAY, I clapped my hands with glee. Those are the very words that I have been longing to hear. But the circumstances won’t let me so.

My authority is NOT absolute and I do not have an army that I can command at whim. I do not even know the whole terrain. It’s been weeks and the venerable councilmen have oscillated between this solution and that… nothing ever gets set in stone.

Fear and I have to admit, ignorance cramped my little heart and the river’s water seems too turbulent to cross. I gaze out with longing to the open field and hope with all hopes that I will soon gallop with the venerable warriors of the business world.