What’s wrong with Eudora? I can’t read your mail -
that’s if you sent me one.

How I wish I could give in to every whim, follow
even
the mot irrational desire - I could be with you right
now, baby talking you, fondling you, kissing you
everywhere. Today I could have been a happy girl, not
the common sullen, wistful girl that I am right now.

Am so sad and restless.

Am needing you most today and the weather has
nothing
to do with it. I know am not supposed to feel and
behave this way - it’s futile; I can’t swim the
whole of panay strait and neither could you.

Your mails could never reassure me. Nothing could.

You could never comfort me. Nothing could ever make
this longing cease.

I can’t seem to get over this feeling.

You’re still everything to me though’ I know to you am
just something near a plaything. I no longer take
offense - have learned to accept it
as unchangeable as my being born a girl. Certain things
about life that could drive any naive girl
overwhelmed. Think I’ve grown too big for that shell
of naiveté. Beautiful things happen only in
love songs.

I could cry all my eyes out and it won’t change
anything. I could curse in every dialect I know and
still find no relief.

Futile, everything is; even this.

from the movie with the same title…

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it…
I hate the way you’re always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call,
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.

Last night, my little Santino guzzled a whole carton of chocolate milk. And this was after he ate his dinner. The fattykins no longer eat baby food – he’d rather eat plain boiled rice than any variant of the jarred kind. He’s that ambitious.

We bought the chocolate milk from the convenience shop on our way home. Jude first handed to Una her share while Santino was screaming murder at the sight of his sister licking the top of the carton. The time interval is just seconds. I can imagine what they would do to each other to inherit my properties (boxes of paper and empty bottles of alcohol).

A little after he drained his drink he vomited. When he joined us in bed, he was a little sticky and smelling of soured milk. I have to pour cologne on him while Una was sneezing beside us and mouthing protests. He was trying to monopolize my attention (away from his sister) so he let me suck on his pacifier and patted my face with his fat hands while gurgling what I suppose are words of adoration. When Jude came in, the binky flew, he stood up abruptly and crawled towards his papa and semi-crying pa-pa-pap-pa! The little ingrate. The two imps adore their father so much. I believe they secretly pray that I would vanish so they can have my share of the bed and the warm zone that is Jude’s body.

After lights out, Jude told me about his former boss’s twin boys. (Rob came to the PH last April when I was carrying Santino. We went to dinner together and discussed about our families. They have 2 girls and Jude told him that boys are necessary to carry on the family name and legacy. That got him into thinking and he said that he and his wife will try again.) His words were laced with envy. I asked him outright, “why would you be jealous of him when you already have a girl and a boy.” He sighed and told me he wants more. “Two boys would be twice the blessing” and then he added, “but we cannot afford it now.” Days before that he told me that we will have another child once the youngest turns two.

Having two cute babies at once would indeed be nice. But … yes there’s a big BUT followed by a lot of IFs. I won’t go into the details. It will eat up the rest of the disk space.

Admit it… how many of you on lonely Friday nights stayed up to hear this song on WROCK… how you sang with Paul with all your larynx and wished that lord-high-banana-of-the-most-dense is feeling miserable as you are.

is it ok if i call you mine?
just for a time
and i will be just fine
if i know that you know
that i’m wanting, needing your love, oh

if i ask of you, is it alright?
if i ask you to hold me tight
through a cold dark night,
cause there maybe a cloudy day in sight
and i need to let you know
that i might be needing your love, oh

and what im trying to say isn’t really new…
it’s just the things that happen to me
when im reminded of you
like when i hear your name
or see a place that you’ve been
or see a picture of your grin
or pass a house that you’ve been in
one time or another
it sets of something in me
i cant explain
oh, i cant wait to see you again
oh babe i love your love, oh

I am in the mood right now to stomp my feet and wiggle my fanny to the beat: Why do you build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down?

To my dear friends: I have been walking down that all too familiar acacia lined lane of our college memories. The thoughts have bouyed me.

You ever look at a diamond before? A real nice one.. nice cut..
nice clarity? Lotta people admire diamonds for their beauty.
And with this people compare them to other beautiful things that are much more complex..
such as fine paintings and sculptures.
But at the same time have you ever heard of a diamond that wasn’t beautiful?
I dunno.. I haven’t.
The reason for that is cause diamonds share a much different beauty..
what makes them beautiful is their simplicity.
A diamond is so.. quiet and calm to the eye.
It’s appealing and just simply beautiful. Even light,
gives into it and refracts upon a diamond exposing itself
and being vulnerable.
Simplistic beauty… so rare in it’s form that almost nothing can compare.
Except within people…
And I guess that’s what I’m tryin to say.
When I saw you I just noticed.. you look so.. calm.
And that’s cool cause you
have this simplistic beauty to you that just shines.
Even your smile tops you off nicely.
You don’t smile huge or anything but you smile like you know something others don’t.
it seems that you’re a pretty genuine person.
You know how to make your friends smile and laugh and you’re pretty goal oriented.
That goes to show me that the inside of you is probably pretty well matched with the outside,
and that’s pretty rare in itself. You seem to have a real good head upon those shoulders
and you’re pretty down-to-earth.
You focus yourself on your dreams and you intimidate
only because of your strong sense of independence.
Intimidation is never a bad thing as
long as you’re not trying to do it.
If it happens… it happens.
Take your intimidation as a good thing…
it will only serve to filter out the true people that are of any worth in your life.
If they can’t stick around to learn the real you.. then… who cares? *shrugs*
Either way.. today I saw a lot of ugly things and heard a lot of ugly words.. but at the end of this day..
or beginning of this new one, it’s nice to know that some things are still beautiful in just being themselves.
So.. take care, diamond.. and I hope other people can see the things I’ve seen in you thusfar